Friday, January 28, 2011 | By: Slacker Mom

Mommy Has Left The Building

After tucking the kids in last night, Hubby came downstairs and said, "Bubba said you wanted to talk to me about something?" In our house this means that one of the kids is trying to finagle their way into being allowed to do something which I must then debate with Hubby. My response to this particular request was, "Huh, wha? I'm supposed to be talking to you about something?" I had no clue what it was we were supposed to be discussing. I racked my brain trying to remember if Bubba and I had talked about anything but my mind was a complete blank (I know, big surprise, right?). Then suddenly I had a vague recollection of Bubba talking about wanting to earn money by walking dogs. At least, I think that's what he was talking about.

Apparently there is a lesson that my little minions have yet to learn about their Mommy. If Mommy has a book in her hand and her eyes are on it, you no longer exist. Hubby is catching on, I believe, but I have had to admit that, although I did just answer questions and nod at correct intervals, I couldn't recall a single word of the conversation that we just had and could he please repeat everything he just said? Reading is sacred escape time for me. I don't just read my books, I am completely absorbed in them. The world could come crashing down around me but as long as I can still read the words on the page, I wouldn't even flinch.

So I was lost in my book when Bubba started chatting away. He didn't talk until he was 4 and it's like he's always trying to make up for lost time. When this kid starts talking, he doesn't shut up! Most of the time I play Sainted Mommy and listen to everything he says, make eye contact and respond appropriately. But last night was Hubby's night to tuck in the kids which meant after riding herd on the minions to complete their chores, I checked out. When Bubba started talking about wanting to earn money (to buy stink bombs, by the way), I listened dutifully for a moment or two but that book was calling out to me. It was a sound I couldn't resist. I do remember Bubba asking me something which I might have responded with a generic "I'll talk to Daddy", but I really couldn't be sure. I do know that I told him we would talk about it in the morning, to which he answered with a very firm, "AFTER breakfast." Sure, sure, honey...whatever.

The only thing is, what was "it"? Were we still on the dog walking thing? I do remember him asking if he could babysit toddlers. Heavens to Betsy, let's pray I didn't encourage him in that one. Were we going to be discussing stink bombs? 'Cause that one's pretty cut and dry--no stink bombs in my house. I really have no idea what he said since I'd been lost in fiction. He pretty much lost me at "hello". I love the kid, I really do, but he can go on and on. And on. And don't forget--there was a book involved.

So far today, he hasn't asked if Daddy and I have talked about "it" and I hope he doesn't remember. But I'm thinking I should probably set down a cardinal rule that if Mommy's nose is buried in a book, go ask Daddy.
Thursday, January 27, 2011 | By: Slacker Mom

You Blew It, Kate

A few years back, I was totally hooked on Jon & Kate Plus 8. Come on, those adorable little munchkins with their germaphobe mom and slacker dad? How could you not get sucked in? I stopped watching just before they actually moved into a house that could hold all of them as well as all the camera crews that practically live with them, but I kept up with the Gosselins via the internet and People magazines (you know, reliable sources). So while I missed the airing of the marital breakdown, I read about it plenty.

Let me confess right now to having a secret affinity for Kate. I mean, seriously--the woman ran that house like a military general. Kate--with her obsessive floor mopping, precise laundering system, aversion to anything resembling stickiness on her children's hands, and insistence on feeding her children organic--was my idol. You did NOT want to mess with that mama. So when things went downhill fast, I was on Team Kate. It wasn't long before Jon revealed himself to be a Grade A d-bag and I knew I had chosen the right side. And for a small while, I think most of America was on her side.

As anyone who has read their weight in entertainment magazines could tell you, if your husband has just ditched you and is now parading around town with a bevy of hoochie mamas, the first thing you do is cry foul--publicly. Just look at Nicole Kidman when Tom Cruise went psycho, or Jennifer Aniston when Brad Pitt left her for Miss Sexy Pout, or even more recently, Sandra Bullock and Capt. Scum. Get the public behind you and your career will flourish.

She was so close! Yeah, Kate had some sympathy there for awhile. You had to feel sorry for a woman whose husband left her to raise 8 kids while he reverted back to his college frat days. But then she had to go and blow it. First, were the rumors of her involvement with her bodyguard. There was no proof so that was easily swept under the rug as mere gossip. Then she went and was photographed repeatedly in her bikini and got hair extensions. I realize that if you look that good after having 8 kids (thanks for the free tummy tuck, Doc!) then you really want to show it off, but when you're trying to keep America on your side, less publicity is the goal here. The nails started hitting the coffin when she joined Dancing With The Stars. Girlfriend revealed to everyone that she is a whiny media hog who, incidentally, can't dance. There were also rumors of her getting her own talk show or co-hosting The View. The handful of faithful supporters she still had were just barely hanging on at this point.

There was probably a infinitesimal chance of her redeeming her image after all this but she managed to effectively slaughter that chance when she appeared on an episode of Sarah Palin's Alaska. She and the kids spent the day (correction--they didn't even last the whole day) with Sarah Palin and her family while they went on a camping trip. They picked a spot near a river, and like the weather here in Washington, it was overcast, cold and drizzly. They did get a good fire going, though, and the kids tried their hands at fishing and making s'mores. They seemed to be having a ball and didn't let the weather bother them at all. Kate, however, was a royal nag. She whined because she was cold. She whined because she was hungry. She whined because it was dirty. She kept trying to convince her kids that they didn't really like it and they should all head home. When that didn't work, she resorted to telling her children that if they liked camping they weren't really Gosselins--they were Palins. Eventually that guilt trip worked and they hiked it back to the house leaving the Palins to finish their camping trip.

Are you kidding me?! Your kids are having a great time outdoors and you ruin it for them? How selfish are you? Do you have any idea how great I think it is when my kids actually want to STAY outside? In the summertime I can only get them to play outside by telling them they have to play outside for an hour before they can play any video games. Newsflash, Kate--you are the MOTHER. You no longer get to do what you want, when you want. Do you know how many birthday parties, carnivals, cheeseball movies, and theme restaurants I have endured for the sake of my children? Suck it up, woman! No one who goes camping with children is doing it for their own benefit; it's a pain in the cellulite-filled hiney! We do it because our kids enjoy it. We do it because they learn about nature and have a great time. You know what those kids are going to remember about their one attempt at a camping trip? That mommy spoiled it for everyone.

Kate, while I won't lower you quite down to Jon's level, you have officially entered d-bag territory.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011 | By: Slacker Mom

Until Next Christmas

The holidays are over and gone, the tree has been tossed into the yard, the ornaments are packed away and the Christmas pies and cookies are settling nicely onto my hips. This year I worked on shipping and delivering frames all the way up to Christmas Eve so the holiday seemed to go by in the blink of an eye. It wasn't until after I tucked the kids into bed on Christmas Eve that I even found the time to wrap any presents and put them under the tree. The lack of gifts had my kids worried to point that they asked me if they were actually getting any presents this year.

But Christmas was a success. Now that I've recovered, I have a few moments to reflect on the season, in particular, a few things I found to be on the wrong side of ridiculous. (My apologies in advance for my less than stellar phone pics.)

This is quite possibly the most obnoxious "Christmas" tree I saw all season. Hot pink? Really? How exactly does that make you feel jolly? Can we just agree to steer clear of trees that aren't green or white flocked?

This beats out the florescent tree. It's a card you can send to your friend and her cat. Her CAT. I don't know what's worse--the person who would actually buy a card for a friend and her cat, or the woman who needs a card for herself and her cat. (And by the way, who at Hallmark greenlights these things?)

But THIS one earns the shiny, bedazzled ascot for the most ridiculous thing I saw. This is a display of VALENTINE'S crap merchandise--only 4 days away from Christmas! It's hard to see but on the left side of the pic are 2 aisles of Christmas decorations. BECAUSE CHRISTMAS HADN'T COME YET! I was still out trying to get my shopping done and they were trying to shove February down my throat? I can get behind all on my own, thank you. I don't need anyone's help. Sheesh!

Despite the over-the-top decorations and highly aggressive selling calendar, I managed to enjoy the season. But I'm curious--what obnoxious or ridiculous things did you see this Christmas?

Movie Review: Too Many to Count

So many movies, so little blog time. With the craft shows over for now and Christmas behind us, we've had a lot of free time to catch up on our movie watching. We've seen some really good ones lately so I thought I would give you the condensed version of my movie reviews.

Calendar Girls stars Helen Mirren (love her!) and Julie Waters as lifelong friends who are members of a stuffy ladies' society. When Waters' husband dies of cancer, they get the idea to create a calendar to raise money to buy a new sofa (or "settee" in Brit speak)for the waiting room at the hospital. The twist is that they will appear nude on the calendar with only strategically placed pastries or watering cans to cover their bits. It's based on a true story and it's sweet, sad, hilarious and touching. (****)

Repo Men Rated R for good reason, this one stars Jude Law and Forrest Whitaker as the titular repo men--only these men don't repo cars or tvs, they repo organs and other transplants. In the future, if you have a bum knee or a weak heart, it can be replaced with an artificial one--as long as you keep up with the payments. Law is one of the best at his job until an accident forces him to get an artificial heart. Life falls apart around him at this point until he can no longer make those payments. There's plenty of blood and fighting before and after Law goes on the run to avoid being reclaimed. I'm not usually one for sci-fi but it was interesting. The twist ending, however, left me disappointed. (***)

The Back Up Plan stars Jennifer Lopez as a woman who gives up on finding Mr. Right and goes through artificial insemination---just before she meets the man of her dreams, played by Alex O'Loughlin. This guy could be THE ONE, but how does she explain to him that she's pregnant? Predictable, funny, sweet---everything a good rom com should be. (***)

Despicable Me: Steve Carrell is Gru, supervillain. In an attempt to steal the moon and one-up an annoying new villain named Vector, Gru adopts 3 little girls to aid in his evil plan. He, of course, is not fit to be a father while the 3 little orphans can't help being anything but adorable. Needless to say, there will be some Grinch-ish redemption before all is said and done. I loved this movie--so cute, so funny and Carrell is great as Gru, reluctant father. (****)

Toy Story 3: These movies just keep getting better and better. In this final(?) installment, Andy has grown up and it's off to college for him, where childhood toys are not welcome. What will happen to the Woody, Buzz and the gang? I can't give anything away except to say that it won't just tug at your heartstrings, it will give them a mighty good yank until you're weeping at the sight of a stuffed cowboy doll and a plastic spaceman. (*****)
Monday, January 3, 2011 | By: Slacker Mom

A Day That Ends In Y

I woke up the other day and dragged my tired body upstairs to find that my wonderful Hubby had set my water kettle on for my tea. How sweet and thoughtful he is! Except...he turned the wrong burner on. Instead of turning on the back burner where the kettle was, he turned on the front burner...where my Pampered Chef rectangle stone sat. "That can't be good," I thought in all my brilliancy. So I tried to push it off the burner. That push was all it took. The darn thing split open like a pistachio. While Pampered Chef warranties against breakage, they don't say anything about warranties against negligence or just plain stupidity. Which kind of sucks because stoneware comes in a light shade of sand and it takes years of greasy foods and high fat meals to get the thing seasoned just right.
But after recovering from the shock of seeing my favorite cookware shatter into 3 puzzle pieces, I prepared for my hot water which was now heating up on the correct burner. Reaching into the cupboard, I grabbed a mug that had been put away upside down--meaning right side up. It wasn't that I wanted this particular mug for my tea, it was just that I couldn't stand to see it sitting in the cupboard WRONG. So I flipped it over. Only to discover that it was my tea mug from the day before that I had never got around to drinking. I had set it up in the cupboard with the intention of heating it back up and drinking it at some point. Well, because I am just that good, I managed to spill tea EVERYWHERE. It spilled all over the 2nd shelf as well as the bottom one, AND--because my cupboards have no doors thanks to another moment of my brilliancy--it also spilled all over the counter. The tea that spilled on the 2nd shelf leaked down onto the 1st shelf which spilled over, adding even more to the mess on the counter.
So with a shrug of my shoulder, I cleaned up the mess. I wanted to blame it all on the fact that it was Monday but the truth was this kind of thing happens to me all.the.time. Really, it's just typical stuff for a day that ends in "y".